FAKE NEWS DAILY REPORT
8th January 2021 Edition
DONALD TRUMP ACCEPTS BLAME FOR CAPITOL HILL RIOTS
Washington, D.C., Fri:- In an unexpected twist of events, Donald Trump
apologized and took full responsibility for what happened on Capitol Hill on
Wednesday, saying although he might have instigated the storming of the Capitol
in order to disrupt election result confirmation proceedings in the Senate, he
did not mean it literally. Yes, you heard that right, he did not mean it
l-i-t-e-r-a-l-l-y.
When asked to elaborate, he
said, quote, "What I intended was for my people to demonstrate in a peaceful and orderly manner outside the gates and
let their dissatisfaction be heard. Unfortunately, some ass**** said, 'TROOPS!
ALL TOGETHER NOW! CHARGE!', and all hell broke loose. What can I say?
Apparently, their emotions got the better of them. I mean, when someone STEALS their votes, when do you expect them to say? Best wishes for the
next four years, you bunch of vote-stealing pirates? Good luck with that,
y'all.", unquote.
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FAKE NEWS DAILY REPORT
10th January 2021 Edition
WHATSAPP SUSPECTED OF MOSSAD DISINFORMATION LINKS
Brussels, Sun:- Unconfirmed reports from unverified sources appear to
point to WhatsApp, the world's third most popular social networking platform
with over 2 billion active users, as being an Israeli spy agency tool for the
dissemination of unconfirmed reports from unverified sources in its covert
efforts to sow the seeds of disinformation on a global scale, according to an
unconfirmed report from an unidentified correspondent from one of our unnamed
branch offices.
When pressed for hard evidence
concerning such an outlandish yet serious allegation albeit of such an
ambiguous nature, this is what the unidentified correspondent from one of our
unnamed branch offices concerned had to say: [quote] "Who owns WhatsApp?
Facebook, right? And who owns Facebook? A Jew, right? And whom are Jews loyal
to, regardless of nationality? Israel, right?" [unquote]
When pressed further for
evidence linking the Israeli intelligence agency to the outlandish yet serious
allegations made albeit of such an ambiguous nature, this is what the
unidentified correspondent from one of our unnamed branch offices concerned had to
say: [quote] "You think that's bad? Oh boy. Wait till you hear what I
heard about Google, the world's foremost website and search engine with over 4
billion active users worldwide and which in turn owns You Tube and the Android
OS amongst a host of other acquisitions and, here's the rub, whose owners are
Jews as well, and what that might imply ought to be sufficient cause for a lot
of sleepless nights for a lot of folks out there, but that's another story, so
relax, everyone, it ain't the end of the world, at least not yet it
ain't." [unquote]
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FAKE NEWS DAILY REPORT
5th November 2019 Edition
M'SIAN PM JOKINGLY SAYS BEST TIME TO INVADE IS DURING FESTIVE HOLIDAYS
Bangkok, Tues.:- At the recently concluded 34th ASEAN Summit which ended
in a gala dinner for all attending heads of state last night, it was reported
by unconfirmed sources that Malaysian prime minister, Dr. Mahathir, was
overheard as saying to his fellow dinner guests that the best time to invade
his home country was during festive holidays, jokingly of course.
When asked to elaborate further on the
subject, according to the same unconfirmed source, he explained that at the
stroke of midnight on the eve of any festive holiday, regardless of the
occasion and irrespective of the ethnic or religious linkage involved, the
night would erupt into a deafening, cataclysmic scene of exploding bombs and
volleys of gunfire imitated by firecrackers and fireworks set off or lit up by
the festive holiday celebrants concerned, which would make it the best time to
launch an armed invasion as no one would be able to tell the difference of the
sound of gunfire volleys and exploding bombs imitated or made by firecrackers
and fireworks from the real thing until it was too late, jokingly of course.
Furthermore, he went on to say,
according to the same unconfirmed source, the bigger the festive occasion, the
better would the timing for such a hypothetical scenario be as more gunfire
volleys and exploding bombs would be heard in more places all over the country,
hence disguising the sounds of actual gunfire volleys and exploding bombs even
better, jokingly of course.
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FAKE NEWS DAILY REPORT
17th September 2022 Edition
VLADIMIR PUTIN LEARNS ONE OUR FATHER & THREE HAIL MARY'S DO NOT ABSOLVE ONE OF ONE'S SINS ON JUDGEMENT DAY
Unmanned Low Earth Orbit Broadcasting Station, Saturday:- At the Judgment Day court hearings involving the perpetrator of the 2022 Russo-Ukraine War, Vladimir Putin, President of the Russian Federation, was formally charged with high crimes and misdemeanors involving the deaths of more than 100,000 people, civilians as well as military personnel, as a result of the military invasion of Ukraine in 2022 as ordered by him.
"Vladimir Putin. I say unto thee, it is written, 'Thou shall not kill,'' said the Chief Prosecutor, "how do you plead?"
"Well, like everybody else, I don't know about that, but I did make, upon my deathbed, a full confession of all my sins including any wrongs I may have done with regard to that most unfortunate incident in that rebellious Russian-breakaway satellite state called Ukraine, upon which the priest in attendance advised me to say one Our Father and three Hail Mary's for absolution, upon which I did, and upon which he said my sins were forgiven," said the defendant.
"Perhaps your court records were not updated accordingly," he continued, "or perhaps they were but were deleted mysteriously. Who knows what can or cannot be hacked by my worthy opponents, those crafty Americans, whichever side of the sky the location of their intended targets might be. Whatever can be done to smear my good name, they will move earth and sky, sky in this case, to get done. Apparently, they succeeded," he concluded.
"Vladimir Putin, apparently you did not hear me read out the charge to you involving the deaths of more than 100,000 people, civilians as well as military personnel, as a result of the military invasion of Ukraine in 2022 as ordered by you," said the Chief Prosecutor. "Again, I say unto thee," he went on to say, "it is written, 'Thou shall not kill.' How do you plead?"
At this point, the presiding judge intervened and said, "Vladimir Putin, this court does not abide by the laws or by-laws of men or their institutions. This court passes judgment strictly according to the laws and by-laws as laid down by The Most High Almighty God, by which you are hereby judged. You will answer the question without deviating from the subject or be found guilty of contempt and hence be removed from this court for execution of your sentence accordingly. Your typical Russian snake-like-deviationist-truth-distorting ways do not, as they may have done on Earth, work here. Answer the question."
"For the purpose of de-militarizing and de-nazifying what I believed to be a rebellious breakaway Russian satellite state that once brought glory to the Soviet motherland, I did what I had to do," said the defendant. "The casualties, directly as a result of military action or indirectly as a consequence of collateral damage, were most unfortunate, but to be expected in any war," he continued. "And just for the record," he went on to say, "let it be known that I, Vladimir Putin, President of the Russian Federation & Protector Of The Soviet Motherland, do not recognize the validity of this kangaroo court nor its judgements. Go to hell, all of you!" he concluded.
"Vladimir Putin, for the deaths of more than 100,000 people, civilians as well as military personnel, as a result of the military invasion of Ukraine in 2022 as ordered by you," said the Judge., "you have been found guilty as charged. You have also been found guilty of contempt of this court and will be sentenced accordingly," he went on to say. "Next!" said the Judge in conclusion.
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FAKE NEWS DAILY REPORT
23rd September 2022 Edition
VLADIMIR PUTIN ORDERS MOBILIZATION OF 300,000 ADDITIONAL ARMY CONSCRIPTS FOR WAR IN UKRAINE TO ADDRESS BODY BAG SHIPMENT ERROR IN EXCESS OF 300,000 UNITS
Moscow, Friday:- In an unexpected turn of events unprecedented since WWII, Russian president Vladimir Putin ordered the mobilization of 300,000 additional army conscripts for the war in Ukraine to address, according to his critics on both sides of the frontlines, a body bag shipment error in excess of 300,000 units delivered to Russian frontline positions by mistake.
Elsewhere, reports of Russian citizens of fighting age fleeing the country by land, sea and air to escape the draft have been flooding in like a tsunami.
Russian authorities have downplayed the reports as being tourism-related in view of the approaching winter season and a distorted world view that Russians were insulated from cold weather by an invisible coating of seal blubber, and in some extreme cases, reptilian genes.
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FAKE NEWS DAILY REPORT
5th February 2023 Edition
BEIJING CELEBRATES SUCCESS OF U.S. AIR DEFENSE SYSTEM FLAW EXPOSING TEST BY DEPLOYING WEATHER BALLOON FICTICIOUSLY GONE ADRIFT IN U.S. AIRSPACE
Beijing, Sunday:- "Shooting down a weather balloon suspected of spying on classified military installations five days after being detected has exposed a major flaw in the U.S.'s air defense capabilities," said a Foreign Office official at a press conference at the foreign office in Beijing today, speaking on condition of anonymity, "a major flaw Beijing considers to be a victory for the glorious People's Liberation Army," she went on to say.
"The wealth of information reaped unhindered over a period of five days by our eye-in-the-sky is not only a victory for our comrades from the intelligence-gathering community," she continued, "the manner in which it was shot down safely out at sea five days after being detected is also a victory for our comrades from the war planning community," she said.
"Unfortunately, as what I have disclosed to you has been classified as top secret, it is with utmost regret that I, acting on instructions received from our beloved Chairman, am duty-bound to inform you that none of you will be allowed to leave this building until further notice. Your families will be informed of your unexpected detention, and if necessary, they will be taken care of by our comrades from the state welfare community. You will now be escorted from the premises by our comrades from the security community to where you will be transported to your temporary lodgings. As for members of the foreign press, your respective embassies or consulates will be notified accordingly. Thank you for your cooperation," she finally said.
Meanwhile, over at the department of defense, it was rumored there was talk of, in a war scenario, saturating U.S. airspace with high-altitude combat-capable balloons fitted with surveillance cameras for target coordinates data computing-&-relaying purposes and a low-altitude-detonating high-explosive-capacity device for shootdown situations, but the cloud of secrecy was so dense it was difficult to ascertain if there was any truth to it, and besides, the presence of plainclothes security personnel, after word of what happened at the foreign office press conference leaked out, deterred anyone from venturing further into the investigative reporting void than was advisable.
