Friday, 10 October 2014

Look What Digging Around In The Garden Has Unearthed

What makes an optimist differ from a pessimist is this: A pessimist with, say, a large family of cats, and hence a lot of mouths to feed, thinks, "Someday I will get around to downsizing them," whereas an optimist with, say, an equally large family of cats, and hence an equally large number of mouths to feed, thinks, "Someday I will own a cat food factory."

-- 10th July 2012



Friday, 1 August 2014

Observations

Women are basically playmates men typically tire of after a while in favor of new playmates preferably young and rejuvenating to the senses.

Thursday, 17 July 2014

A Directive Concerning Forbidden Activities III

I. Directive:

From this day onwards, this seventeenth day of this seventh month in this two thousand fourteenth year of our Lord, you, No Name, a.k.a. Olga, being the only surviving child-bearing female pussycat left in the entire clan, are hereby forbidden from indulging in the following activities, so help you, God:

1) Going missing like the others before you which you too had a habit of doing in the past on more than one occasion.
2) Dying from something or the other like the others before you.

You may come and go as you like as before but always be reminded that the future of the entire clan rests on your ability to bear offspring.

Finally, you are also hereby required to acknowledge the above by imprinting your paw print in the space provided below.

Thank you.

II. Acknowledgement:



 

 ……………………………………….
No Name, a.k.a. Olga
Sole Surviving Child-Bearing Female Pussycat In The Entire Clan
17th July 2014


Tuesday, 15 July 2014

A Directive Concerning Forbidden Activities II

I. Directive:

From this day onwards, this sixteenth day of this seventh month in this two thousand fourteenth year of our Lord, you, Scamp, a.k.a. Big Boy, being the only other resident pussycat left in this household, are hereby forbidden from indulging in the following activities, so help you, God:

1) Going missing like the others before you which you had a habit of doing in the past on more than one occasion.
2) Falling sick and dying like the others before you, your bad cough of late notwithstanding.
3) Getting killed by a dog or car like the others before you.

You are also hereby required to acknowledge the above by imprinting your paw print in the space provided below.

Thank you.













………………………………..............
Scamp a.k.a. Big Boy
Only Other Surviving Resident Pussycat In This Household
16th July 2014







Thursday, 19 June 2014

Word Definitions

road [rohd] noun : a paved pathway upon which motorized vehicles zoom past each other in opposite directions in excess of sixty miles per hour within inches of each other. 

Sunday, 8 June 2014

The Mathematics Of Adultery

Here's how it works.

When a man and a woman are joined in flesh through sexual means, a flesh bond is created. As long as both parties remain faithful to each other, that flesh bond remains pure. Should it so happen that either party becomes unfaithful by having sexual relations with a third party, thus committing an act of adultery, that flesh bond becomes contaminated, or adulterated, from which the word 'adultery' is derived. Should it so happen that the faithful partner, whose half of the flesh bond incidentally still remains intact and untainted, decide to leave the unfaithful partner for someone else and joins himself or herself in flesh to that person by sexual means, no adultery is committed on his or her part as the person he or she was previously joined to in flesh by sexual means defiles it the moment he or she joins himself or herself to someone else in his or her moment of unfaithfulness. In other words, the faithful partner is no longer joined in flesh to whoever he or she was previously joined to the moment the unfaithful partner joins himself or herself in flesh to someone else.


Wanna know how many times you've committed adultery? Easy. Do the math.

Friday, 6 June 2014

The Legacy We Leave Our Children

We teach our children it is all right to tell lies by doing it ourselves. We teach them that acts of killing and violence are all right from the movies they watch and the video games they play, perhaps even enjoyable. We teach them that war is all right from the wars we fight at home or abroad. We teach them that divorce is all right from our own divorces or multiple divorces whichever the case might be. We teach them that extra-marital affairs are all right from our own extra-marital affairs,  thus ensuring the continuity of the cycle of life as we know it, perhaps even to the extent of going to war to defend it, this godless lifestyle of ours which our children grow up believing to be 'normal'.
This is just the tip of the iceberg.
What about pornography? What about prostitution? What about gambling? What about narcotics, all of which we permit to flourish by fair means or foul?
We teach our children it is all right to break traffic rules, and when we get caught, that it is all right to bribe traffic cops into looking the other way.
We teach our children it is all right to poison our lungs with tobacco smoke and livers with alcohol, not overnight of course but in the long run, by being exemplary role models in these areas, and we teach them that when they pay the price in the form of lung or throat cancer or cirrhosis of the liver twenty years down the road that it is one of those 'normal' illnesses 'normal' people fall victim to all the time, depending on one's luck or the roll of one's dice - fate as some might call it.
Good teachers, are we not?


Saturday, 24 May 2014

Words Of Wisdom

Generosity, like musical virtuosity, is a gift. Not everyone is born with it.

Friday, 2 May 2014

Still Mothered Even As Adults

We Asians are a spoiled, handicapped lot, generally-speaking.

We may be top-notch university graduates with envious jobs, but when we get married and start having babies, we rope in our mothers as full-time baby-sitters and nannies so that we might continue the pursuit of our careers unhindered.

Is this what they do in the West, or is it just an Asian thing, to not only commandeer our own mothers as full-time baby-sitters and nannies but also expect them to do it out of a sense of responsibility and not a cent more as if they had no lives of their own prior to the births of our babies ?

Yes, we may be top-notch university graduates with envious jobs indeed, but when we decide to get married to whoever our intended spouses might be, we rope in our parents as event organizers who in turn are expected to drop everything else and attend to our wedding arrangement needs so that we might not be burdened with the headache and stress of organizing our own weddings, not to mention the financial costs involved too.

Is this what they do in the West, or is it just an Asian thing, to not only commandeer our own parents as wedding event organizers but also expect them to do it out of a sense of responsibility and not a cent more as if they had no lives of their own prior to the day we decide to get married?

If indeed these are customs peculiar only to Asians, it is no wonder we lag behind the West in almost every sphere - because when it comes to arranging our own weddings or baby-sitting our own babies, we Asians do not even know how to tie our own shoelaces without parental help.




Monday, 24 March 2014

A Directive Concerning Forbidden Activities I

I. Directive:

From this day onwards, this twenty-fourth day of this third month in this two thousand fourteenth year of our Lord, you, Jack, a.k.a. Hansel, being the only resident pussycat left in this household, are hereby forbidden from indulging in the following activities for the rest of your natural life, so help you, God:

1) Going missing like the others before you.
2) Dying from something or the other like the others before you.

You are also hereby required to acknowledge the above by imprinting your paw print in the space provided below.

Thank you.



II. Acknowledgement:





                                                                                               

.........…………............………
Jack a.k.a. Hansel
Sole Surviving Resident Pussycat In This Household
24th March 2014








Sunday, 23 March 2014

News Reports We'd Like To See Regarding The Missing Malaysia Airlines Plane


Missing Plane Makes Emergency Landing  In Indian Ocean, Plane Intact & Everyone Safe, Pilot Says He Did It In Protest of Govt's Persecution Of Opposition Leader Anwar Ibrahim.

Kuala Lumpur - Long hours of flight simulator time has apparently paid off for the pilot who safely crash landed his Boeing 777 in the Indian Ocean after running out of fuel, according to an unnamed source at the heart of ongoing investigations into the mysterious disappearance of Malaysia Airlines flight MH370.

Not only did he manage to crash land it in one piece, so did everyone on board survive the crash landing in one piece as well, further testifying to his exceptional aviation skills.
 
Even more astonishing was the complete lack of animosity of the passengers and crew towards the pilot whom they even cheered the moment he safely crash landed the plane in the ocean.

"Whatever his crimes and regardless of the inconvenience and anguish suffered by us and our families respectively on account of him, we are behind him in this matter as the whole world knows how lopsided his country's politics are," said one of the passengers.

"I apologize to my passengers and crew and their families for the inconvenience and anxiety they have suffered and I am ready to go to jail for my actions, but let the whole world know how disgusted I am with how lopsided my country's politics are. Allah-u-Akbar!", said the pilot to his rescuers.




If Twitter Allowed Longer Tweets, Mine Would Look Like This


@NajibRazak: Which was worse: non-Muslim 'Allah' word usage or publication and distribution of Arabic bibles containing the 'Allah' word on every page perhaps? The latter, right? What then should we do about countries that allowed the perpetration of such a heinous crime as this - diplomat recalls and trade embargoes if no action was taken to eradicate what might seriously threaten the dominance of Islam in Malaysia if we were suddenly flooded with Arabic bibles originating from their shores?

A Long Haul Towards Developed Nation Status


Armed militias in certain parts of Africa, Asia and the Middle East celebrate important occasions by firing their AK-47s into the air.

Here in Malaysia we do the same thing by detonating firecrackers smack in the middle of residential areas, with the government's blessings too, I might add, turning them into war zones in gunpowder detonation terms.

Do developed nations do this, anyone? Do they not designate open public places far away from residential areas for such rowdy activities?

Heaven help us if achieving developed nation status doesn't include such a requirement because the way I see it, there's no point having developed nation infrastructure and cities in place if cowboys are going to be running wild in the streets firing their guns  into the air in celebration of important occasions or festivals each time one comes along, or something to that effect.

Saturday, 4 January 2014

If. You. Believe.

Miracles or miraculous occurrences pertaining to health do or do not happen depending on which God you followed.

For example, if we're talking about the Catholic God, chances are you depended on doctors and their knowledge of medical science for all your medical problems.

Similarly, if we're talking about the Muslim God, chances are you depended on doctors and their knowledge of medical science for all your medical problems as well. 

Ditto the other gods, be they the Hindu God, the Buddhist God, the Jewish God or any other known god, and in some cases you probably depended on witch doctors for their help and expertise as well, when all else fails.

The Judeo-Christian God, however, during the time of his son, Jesus, on earth, performed all kinds of miracles. For instance, the lame picked up their mats and walked; the blind opened their eyes and saw; the mute opened their mouths and talked; even the dead woke up and reclaimed their places among the living, all of which would have been deemed impossible by doctors and medical science.

You see, the thing is, miracles or miraculous occurrences pertaining to health do happen. All the time.

If. You. Believe.



Strange Customs II

Earthlings have strange customs.

In the animal kingdom, as well as certain parts of the world where famine and food shortages are common, food is a matter of life and death - life if you have enough of it and death if you don't. It's a matter of survival.

In other parts of the world, however, food is a celebration of life. People wax lyrical about it, eulogize it, write books about it,  film travelogues and documentaries about it, organize grand functions  and lavish ceremonies revolving around it, glamorize it in advertisements, idolize it in televised food programs, make love to it in chef-hosted cookery shows , go out of their way to experience it in all its variously cooked or prepared forms, that which not only turns rotten and breeds maggots after a few days without refrigeration or other means of preservation but also turns to shit after being consumed, or at least half of it, and occasionally, all of it together with half your intestines, a small price to pay perhaps for the privilege of being able to indulge in the pleasures of the flesh, stomach-related, as once the storm has passed, the feasting resumes unabated as generally is the practice.


Mighty strange customs indeed hath earthlings.