Saturday, 21 January 2012

Tips For Suicidal Road Users

1. Do not slow down when approaching traffic light junctions 
    and the light is about to change from green to red.  Nah, 
    that's for wimps. Step on the gas and heaven have mercy   
    on whoever's stupid enough to believe red means you're 
    gonna stop dead even at 120 mph. Continue stepping on 
    the gas should the wail of police sirens be heard behind 
    you shortly afterwards, and once they pull up alongside as 
    normally happens, unless of course you're in a Ferrari or 
    one of its categorical cousins, (a) wave a bogus doctor's    
    bag and yell, "Emergency! Emergency, you dolts!" (b) flash 
    a bogus undercover cop's badge and yell,"Pursuing 
    suspects! Pursuing suspects, you clowns!" (c) flash a bogus 
    government official's ID card and give them that haven't-
    you-idiots-better-things-to-do look.  If nothing works, let's 
    hope you're in a Ferrari or one of its categorical cousins 
    should such a scenario be forthcoming.

2. Do not wait for the light to change from red to green at 
     traffic light junctions and you're in pole position. Nah,    
     that's also for wimps. Step on the gas and to hell with the 
     consequences should any be forthcoming. Deal with 
     wailing police sirens in the manner recommended above 
     should any be forthcoming too.


3. Do not waste time looking for u-turn exit points or other 
     legal direction-reversing means in the event there's none 
     conveniently located as is generally the case at traffic light 
     junctions. Nah, that's also for wimps. Make u-turns 
     anywhere at will especially where none are conveniently 
     located and to hell with the consequences should any be 
     forthcoming, Once again, deal with wailing police sirens  
     in the manner prescribed above should any be 
     forthcoming too. Should you also get honked at as a result 
     of any of the above stunts, do not only honk back - that's 
     what drivers acquainted with each other do all the time 
     upon passing each other. Let fly also with a hand gesture 
     of any insulting or defiant sort, preferably emphasized by 
     verbal accompaniment.


4. Do not waste time looking for designated parking lots or 
     bays when needing to park at your desired destination or 
     momentarily stop somewhere. Nah, that's also for wimps. 
     Pull over and stop or park anywhere at will regardless of 
     parking space availability or legality or cop presence. A 
     favorite spot is by the roadside just after exiting a junction 
     of any sort, alongside blind corners or other parked 
     vehicles regardless of their parked positions, butt sticking 
     out or otherwise. Deal with cop interference or blaring 
     horns in the manner outlined above should any be 
     forthcoming too.

5. Do not waste time looking for overhead pedestrian bridges 
     or crossings when crossing roads on foot. Nah, that's also 
     for wimps. Cross roads anywhere at will regardless of 
     traffic conditions or cop presence. A favorite method is to 
     wait in the middle of the road after crossing one side and 
     then crossing the other side from there. The same 
     technique is to be employed when crossing multiple lane 
     roads or highway segments. Highly recommended for 
     people with a strong death wish. Suggested background 
     music - The Death Waltz In C Minor.


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