1. Do not slow down when approaching traffic light junctions
and the light is about to change from green to red. Nah,
that's for wimps. Step on the gas and heaven have mercy
on whoever's stupid enough to believe red means you're
gonna stop dead even at 120 mph. Continue stepping on
the gas should the wail of police sirens be heard behind
you shortly afterwards, and once they pull up alongside as
normally happens, unless of course you're in a Ferrari or
one of its categorical cousins, (a) wave a bogus doctor's
bag and yell, "Emergency! Emergency, you dolts!" (b) flash
a bogus undercover cop's badge and yell,"Pursuing
suspects! Pursuing suspects, you clowns!" (c) flash a bogus
government official's ID card and give them that haven't-
you-idiots-better-things-to-do look. If nothing works, let's
hope you're in a Ferrari or one of its categorical cousins
should such a scenario be forthcoming.
2. Do not wait for the light to change from red to green at
traffic light junctions and you're in pole position. Nah,
that's also for wimps. Step on the gas and to hell with the
consequences should any be forthcoming. Deal with
wailing police sirens in the manner recommended above
should any be forthcoming too.
3. Do not waste time looking for u-turn exit points or other
legal direction-reversing means in the event there's none
conveniently located as is generally the case at traffic light
junctions. Nah, that's also for wimps. Make u-turns
anywhere at will especially where none are conveniently
located and to hell with the consequences should any be
forthcoming, Once again, deal with wailing police sirens
in the manner prescribed above should any be
forthcoming too. Should you also get honked at as a result
of any of the above stunts, do not only honk back - that's
what drivers acquainted with each other do all the time
upon passing each other. Let fly also with a hand gesture
of any insulting or defiant sort, preferably emphasized by
verbal accompaniment.
4. Do not waste time looking for designated parking lots or
bays when needing to park at your desired destination or
momentarily stop somewhere. Nah, that's also for wimps.
Pull over and stop or park anywhere at will regardless of
parking space availability or legality or cop presence. A
favorite spot is by the roadside just after exiting a junction
of any sort, alongside blind corners or other parked
vehicles regardless of their parked positions, butt sticking
out or otherwise. Deal with cop interference or blaring
horns in the manner outlined above should any be
forthcoming too.
5. Do not waste time looking for overhead pedestrian bridges
or crossings when crossing roads on foot. Nah, that's also
for wimps. Cross roads anywhere at will regardless of
traffic conditions or cop presence. A favorite method is to
wait in the middle of the road after crossing one side and
then crossing the other side from there. The same
technique is to be employed when crossing multiple lane
roads or highway segments. Highly recommended for
people with a strong death wish. Suggested background
music - The Death Waltz In C Minor.
