Thursday, 1 June 2017

The Dance That Saved The World

The calamitous days of the great flood had long come and gone and the council of elders was in session one day when one of them remarked, "Why is the king looking so troubled? Has someone or something displeased him in some way?"

Indeed, the king, he who sat on the throne in the kingdom above the clouds and who made the heavens and the earth and who knew each star by name, was looking somewhat troubled that day.

"It troubles me greatly to see mankind go down the same path of sin and wickedness as before, the very same path of sin and wickedness that led to the destruction of the earth to cleanse it of all evil and evildoers and start afresh with my servant, Noah, his family and all the birds of the air and creatures of the land he was commanded to preserve in pairs for the same purpose," said the king.

"My covenant with Noah, my faithful servant, and his descendants, that I would not destroy the earth ever again by drowning it in floodwaters is renewed each time the rainbow, a work of art no one in heaven above or on the earth below is able to replicate by the way, appears in the sky," added the king, indicating with a gesture such a work of art that happened to appear in the sky at that very moment.

"Is there a reason why the earth shouldn't be purged of its evil and wicked inhabitants once again, but not by drowning it in floodwaters again as promised to Noah and his descendants for all eternity?" exclaimed the king.

"My Lord," said one of the elders, "would you still destroy the earth and all of mankind, even though every inclination in the hearts of men leans towards evil, as you did once before even if something or someone good or worth preserving were to be found upon it?"

"If something or someone good or worth preserving were to be found upon the earth, however insignificant in the scheme of things or small in  number that something or someone may be, the earth and all of mankind, even though every inclination in the hearts of men leans towards evil, will not be destroyed, against my better judgement, I  might add," said the king.

"My Lord," said another elder," would you consider one of your magnificent creations, the exotic bird of paradise, as being a creature worth preserving such that the earth and all of mankind, even though every inclination in the hearts of men leans towards evil, will not be destroyed?"



"However magnificent the exotic bird of paradise may be, the earth will still be destroyed to cleanse it of its evil and wicked inhabitants whose cups have overflowed and the cries for justice have reached the heavens above from the depths below, however much it would pain me to see the work of my hands, that which I worked so hard to bring to perfection, destroyed," said the king.

"My Lord," said yet another elder," would you consider another of your magnificent creations, one of the most beautiful and rarest of horses, the Akhal-Teke from Turkmenistan, as being worthy of preserving such that the earth and all of mankind, even though every inclination in the hearts of men leans towards evil, will not be destroyed?"


"However beautiful and rare the magnificent Akhal-Teke breed of horses from Turkmenistan may be, the earth will still be destroyed to cleanse it of the wickedness of its inhabitants who have polluted it to overflowing" said the king.

"My Lord," said yet another elder, "would you consider another of your magnificent creations, the most exotic and regal of cats, the Maine Coon, as being worthy of preserving such that the earth and all of mankind, even though every inclination in the hearts of men leans towards evil, will not be destroyed?"


"However exotic and regal the Maine Coon, a special favorite of mine by the way, may be, the earth will still be destroyed to cleanse it of the filth of its evil and wicked inhabitants whose  great numbers have choked it to the point of suffocation" said the king.

Finally, after an eternity of such exchanges between the elders and the king had come to pass, one of the elders held up his hand for attention, saying, "My Lord, would you consider the lowly grebe, a waterfowl insignificant in stature or beauty, yet whose climactic water ballet courtship ritual pas de deux, and grebes mate for life, is so mesmerizing it brings forth tears of joy and wonder and admiration to the eye, as being worthy of preserving such that the earth and all of mankind, even though every inclination in the hearts of men leans towards evil, will not be destroyed?"


"Ah, finally, a creature worthy of preserving such that the earth and all its evil and wicked inhabitants, who deserve to be exterminated in any case, might be spared from being destroyed," said the king. 

"Behold, O otherwise doomed world, the lowly grebe, a waterfowl insignificant in stature or beauty, yet whose climactic water ballet courtship ritual pas de deux, and grebes mate for life, is so mesmerizing it brings forth tears of joy and wonder and admiration to the eye, behold,  thy savior," proclaimed the king.


Friday, 19 May 2017

The Secret Of Homosexuality / Lesbianism Revealed

The reason gays are attracted to men, or other gays who are men in physical form, is because gays are females born, or trapped,  in male bodies.
Conversely, lesbians are attracted to women, or other lesbians who are women in physical form, as they are males born, or trapped,  in female bodies.


Slavery - From One Point Of View

There are two kinds of slavery. One is where you are paid to do shit for someone, or else; the other is where you are not paid but still have to do shit for someone, or else. 

Wednesday, 17 May 2017

Let The Judgement Day Games Begin

A vast ocean of people, a multitude too numerous to be counted as were the stars in the heavens or grains of sand in the desert, were waiting to enter a courtroom  and in the meantime were filling out a questionnaire, a sample of which was as follows, minus the boxes:



    (Tick Where Applicable)
No. Sample Charges That May Be Filed By The Prosecution Yes No Not Applicable
1  I was hungry, but you did not give me anything to eat.
2  I was thirsty, but you did not give me anything to drink.
3  I was naked, but you did not give me anything to wear.
4  I was a stranger, but you did not welcome me into your home.
5  I was sick and in prison, but you did not visit me.
    (Tick Where Applicable)
No. Sample Pleas That May Be Entered By The Defense  Yes No Not Applicable
1  I was too busy making money.
2  I was too busy making love.
3  I was too busy making babies.
4  I was too busy getting drunk.
5  I was too busy getting angry.
6  I was too busy fighting insurgents / militants.
7  I was too  busy fighting with my in-laws / neighbors.
8  I was too busy travelling the world in search of adventure.
9  I was too busy travelling the world in search of gastronomic 
 adventures.
10  I was too busy playing golf.
11  I was too busy playing cat-and-mouse with the law.
12  I was too busy enjoying life.
13  I was too busy being nice.
14  I was too busy being an asshole.
15  I was too busy chasing deadlines.
16  I was too busy chasing dreams.
17  I was too busy looking for love.
18  I was too busy looking for happiness.
19  I was too busy looking good.
20  I was too busy climbing up the corporate ladder.
21  I was too busy struggling to make ends meet.
22  I was too busy bitching about my lot in life.
23  Big deal. I was in prison myself.
24  Big deal. I was on a hospital bed myself.
25  Big deal. I was a soup kitchen regular myself.
26  Big deal. I was a charity case myself.
27  Sorry, I'm not a Christian.
28  Sorry, I'm an Atheist and do not recognize the legality
29  of these proceedings.
30  I demand my right to be represented by a lawyer.
31 We have followed Moses since the days of our forefathers
and have kept all the commandments. As for this Jesus 
fellow, we don't know who he is.
31 We have followed Moses since the days of our forefathers
and have kept all the commandments. As for this Jesus
fellow, we know that he was a blasphemer who deserved
everything Herod did to him.
32 We have been faithful to the Torah since the days of our 
forefathers and are still waiting for the Messiah who was to 
come. Please, Sir, can you tell us where to find him?
33 For centuries, Moses permitted us to divorce and marry 
as many times as we please, then this Jesus fellow comes 
along and forbids it. Moreover, he desecrates the Sabbath,
healing the masses by magic and sorcery. Even worse,
his disciples erect idols of him in their places of worship
and expect us to bow down before these idols, which
Moses forbade, and proclaim him Saviour. Please, Sir, 
tell us, what would you have us believe, that this Jesus
fellow was the Messiah who was to come?
34 Excuse me. I'm here to collect my 72 virgins as a reward
for jihardist duties on earth. Allahu Akhbar!
Other Pleas That May Be Entered By The Defense Not Found Here (In Your Own Words)

Friday, 14 April 2017

Combating Workplace Stress

I once used to combat workplace stress
With lots of tea, cigarettes and beer;
Tea and cigarettes at work,
Cigarettes and beer at the pub afterwards.

Then I suffered a heart attack.
Bye, bye, cigarettes, bye, bye, beer,
Bye, bye oily food also,
But that's another story.

So, what next?
Cats. I had lots of them.
Unfortunately, they all died or went missing,
One by one.
Bye, bye, cats and cat therapy,
No pun intended,
For they were all like children,
Cherished dearly and loved,
Until the end of time,
Or so it seems.

Okay, so what next?
First-shooter computer games:
Modern Warfare, COD, MOH and Battlefield,
Overdosing on them till late at night
Which led to sleep deprivation
And sleeping all day once the roof caved in.
Bye, bye, computer games.

Okay, so what next?
Leave, lots of it,
Unpaid, all of it, of late,
But so what?
The sky's the limit,
For now at least.

Saturday, 1 April 2017

Ramblings

I was in that magical place in the depths of slumberland yesterday when you, Bleached,  most beloved of all my cats and whom I would gladly have died for, appeared out of nowhere with a kitten in tow, a kitten whose markings were just like yours, and I wondered if it was in response to having heard my voice perhaps that you appeared.
I stroked you, picked your baby up to hold it in my arms, stroked you again and called your name, Bleached, most beloved of all my cats and whom I would gladly have died for.
Alas, it was only for a few moments that we were reunited once more after all these years, in that magical place in the depths of slumberland, when I began losing sight of you.
However hard or desperately I tried, I failed to find you again thenceforth.
I slept the whole day yesterday, from morning until evening, and finally dragged myself out of bed only after accepting the fact that it was futile trying to find you again in that magical place in the depths of slumberland, where the laws of gravity, or even those governing death for that matter, do not apply, when you close your eyes and fall into a deep sleep and wake up in that magical place in the depths of slumberland where it's just like yesterday and everyone you once loved but  died was still alive, just like it was yesterday, when life was good and the fates were kind, as it was with you yesterday, Bleached, most beloved of all my cats and whom I would gladly have died for.

Thursday, 23 March 2017

July 16, 2016, A Day Which Will Live In Infamy

The very first time your cat, or one of your cats, go missing, it's like the end of the world, a day of nightmarish proportions, a day of inconsolable grief and mourning.

By the time the twentieth cat goes missing, however much it's loved and cherished, it's like another day at the office, a day of emotional numbness, an uneventful day.

That seems to be the case with you, Jack, on this third day of your disappearance, which although was not the first time you've gone missing, was the first time you've gone missing for this long.

Where were you really, Jack? Lying dead in a drain somewhere, hit by a car as you went about on your daily walkabout ? Killed by a dog that crept up silently behind you as you went about your way? Mating with some female cat in some distant part of the neighborhood ? Fighting with some male cat whose territory you intruded upon? Where were you really, Jack?

You are the last surviving member of the clan, Jack, the bloodline ends with you.  If you die, family lineage dies with you. Bill was an adopted stray someone dumped in the back lane behind as a baby. Bill was picked up from the street. You were born here. Don't you see, Jack? You can't be dead. You can't die. Or maybe you can, Jack, maybe you can, if you have a son or daughter somewhere as a result of previous mating encounters in the past.


So, go ahead and die, Jack, go ahead and be dead somewhere. My feelings don't matter, they never did, they never will. After all, what am I but a mere footnote on a page of recorded history.