Wednesday, 28 March 2018

And On The Seventh Day He Rested


Not all humans were, as popularly believed, moulded from clay, for at some point, clay deposits had been all but depleted following the creation of billions upon billions of clay-moulded products, whereupon manure found in abundance on grazing grounds was used as a substitute, as evidenced by the shitty people one comes across every now and then. -- Book Of Creation

Saturday, 24 March 2018

Categorizing Offspring


There are two types of children as derived from their conduct. One is of noble birth, the other is from the gutter, of which, as in both cases, there are two types. One is the result of upbringing, and hence salvageable, the other is the result of genes, and hence unsalvageable. Blessed are the salvageable ones, for they are not eternally lost. -- Book Of Proverbs

Thursday, 1 June 2017

The Dance That Saved The World

The calamitous days of the great flood had long come and gone and the council of elders was in session one day when one of them remarked, "Why is the king looking so troubled? Has someone or something displeased him in some way?"

Indeed, the king, he who sat on the throne in the kingdom above the clouds and who made the heavens and the earth and who knew each star by name, was looking somewhat troubled that day.

"It troubles me greatly to see mankind go down the same path of sin and wickedness as before, the very same path of sin and wickedness that led to the destruction of the earth to cleanse it of all evil and evildoers and start afresh with my servant, Noah, his family and all the birds of the air and creatures of the land he was commanded to preserve in pairs for the same purpose," said the king.

"My covenant with Noah, my faithful servant, and his descendants, that I would not destroy the earth ever again by drowning it in floodwaters is renewed each time the rainbow, a work of art no one in heaven above or on the earth below is able to replicate by the way, appears in the sky," added the king, indicating with a gesture such a work of art that happened to appear in the sky at that very moment.

"Is there a reason why the earth shouldn't be purged of its evil and wicked inhabitants once again, but not by drowning it in floodwaters again as promised to Noah and his descendants for all eternity?" exclaimed the king.

"My Lord," said one of the elders, "would you still destroy the earth and all of mankind, even though every inclination in the hearts of men leans towards evil, as you did once before even if something or someone good or worth preserving were to be found upon it?"

"If something or someone good or worth preserving were to be found upon the earth, however insignificant in the scheme of things or small in  number that something or someone may be, the earth and all of mankind, even though every inclination in the hearts of men leans towards evil, will not be destroyed, against my better judgement, I  might add," said the king.

"My Lord," said another elder," would you consider one of your magnificent creations, the exotic bird of paradise, as being a creature worth preserving such that the earth and all of mankind, even though every inclination in the hearts of men leans towards evil, will not be destroyed?"



"However magnificent the exotic bird of paradise may be, the earth will still be destroyed to cleanse it of its evil and wicked inhabitants whose cups have overflowed and the cries for justice have reached the heavens above from the depths below, however much it would pain me to see the work of my hands, that which I worked so hard to bring to perfection, destroyed," said the king.

"My Lord," said yet another elder," would you consider another of your magnificent creations, one of the most beautiful and rarest of horses, the Akhal-Teke from Turkmenistan, as being worthy of preserving such that the earth and all of mankind, even though every inclination in the hearts of men leans towards evil, will not be destroyed?"


"However beautiful and rare the magnificent Akhal-Teke breed of horses from Turkmenistan may be, the earth will still be destroyed to cleanse it of the wickedness of its inhabitants who have polluted it to overflowing" said the king.

"My Lord," said yet another elder, "would you consider another of your magnificent creations, the most exotic and regal of cats, the Maine Coon, as being worthy of preserving such that the earth and all of mankind, even though every inclination in the hearts of men leans towards evil, will not be destroyed?"


"However exotic and regal the Maine Coon, a special favorite of mine by the way, may be, the earth will still be destroyed to cleanse it of the filth of its evil and wicked inhabitants whose  great numbers have choked it to the point of suffocation" said the king.

Finally, after an eternity of such exchanges between the elders and the king had come to pass, one of the elders held up his hand for attention, saying, "My Lord, would you consider the lowly grebe, a waterfowl insignificant in stature or beauty, yet whose climactic water ballet courtship ritual pas de deux, and grebes mate for life, is so mesmerizing it brings forth tears of joy and wonder and admiration to the eye, as being worthy of preserving such that the earth and all of mankind, even though every inclination in the hearts of men leans towards evil, will not be destroyed?"


"Ah, finally, a creature worthy of preserving such that the earth and all its evil and wicked inhabitants, who deserve to be exterminated in any case, might be spared from being destroyed," said the king. 

"Behold, O otherwise doomed world, the lowly grebe, a waterfowl insignificant in stature or beauty, yet whose climactic water ballet courtship ritual pas de deux, and grebes mate for life, is so mesmerizing it brings forth tears of joy and wonder and admiration to the eye, behold,  thy savior," proclaimed the king.


Friday, 19 May 2017

The Secret Of Homosexuality / Lesbianism Revealed

The reason gays are attracted to men, or other gays who are men in physical form, is because gays are females born, or trapped,  in male bodies.
Conversely, lesbians are attracted to women, or other lesbians who are women in physical form, as they are males born, or trapped,  in female bodies.


Slavery - From One Point Of View

There are two kinds of slavery. One is where you are paid to do shit for someone, or else; the other is where you are not paid but still have to do shit for someone, or else. 

Wednesday, 17 May 2017

Let The Judgement Day Games Begin

A vast ocean of people, a multitude too numerous to be counted as were the stars in the heavens or grains of sand in the desert, were waiting to enter a courtroom  and in the meantime were filling out a questionnaire, a sample of which was as follows, minus the boxes:



    (Tick Where Applicable)
No. Sample Charges That May Be Filed By The Prosecution Yes No Not Applicable
1  I was hungry, but you did not give me anything to eat.
2  I was thirsty, but you did not give me anything to drink.
3  I was naked, but you did not give me anything to wear.
4  I was a stranger, but you did not welcome me into your home.
5  I was sick and in prison, but you did not visit me.
    (Tick Where Applicable)
No. Sample Pleas That May Be Entered By The Defense  Yes No Not Applicable
1  I was too busy making money.
2  I was too busy making love.
3  I was too busy making babies.
4  I was too busy getting drunk.
5  I was too busy getting angry.
6  I was too busy fighting insurgents / militants.
7  I was too  busy fighting with my in-laws / neighbors.
8  I was too busy travelling the world in search of adventure.
9  I was too busy travelling the world in search of gastronomic 
 adventures.
10  I was too busy playing golf.
11  I was too busy playing cat-and-mouse with the law.
12  I was too busy enjoying life.
13  I was too busy being nice.
14  I was too busy being an asshole.
15  I was too busy chasing deadlines.
16  I was too busy chasing dreams.
17  I was too busy looking for love.
18  I was too busy looking for happiness.
19  I was too busy looking good.
20  I was too busy climbing up the corporate ladder.
21  I was too busy struggling to make ends meet.
22  I was too busy bitching about my lot in life.
23  Big deal. I was in prison myself.
24  Big deal. I was on a hospital bed myself.
25  Big deal. I was a soup kitchen regular myself.
26  Big deal. I was a charity case myself.
27  Sorry, I'm not a Christian.
28  Sorry, I'm an Atheist and do not recognize the legality
29  of these proceedings.
30  I demand my right to be represented by a lawyer.
31 We have followed Moses since the days of our forefathers
and have kept all the commandments. As for this Jesus 
fellow, we don't know who he is.
31 We have followed Moses since the days of our forefathers
and have kept all the commandments. As for this Jesus
fellow, we know that he was a blasphemer who deserved
everything Herod did to him.
32 We have been faithful to the Torah since the days of our 
forefathers and are still waiting for the Messiah who was to 
come. Please, Sir, can you tell us where to find him?
33 For centuries, Moses permitted us to divorce and marry 
as many times as we please, then this Jesus fellow comes 
along and forbids it. Moreover, he desecrates the Sabbath,
healing the masses by magic and sorcery. Even worse,
his disciples erect idols of him in their places of worship
and expect us to bow down before these idols, which
Moses forbade, and proclaim him Saviour. Please, Sir, 
tell us, what would you have us believe, that this Jesus
fellow was the Messiah who was to come?
34 Excuse me. I'm here to collect my 72 virgins as a reward
for jihardist duties on earth. Allahu Akhbar!
Other Pleas That May Be Entered By The Defense Not Found Here (In Your Own Words)

Friday, 14 April 2017

Combating Workplace Stress

I once used to combat workplace stress
With lots of tea, cigarettes and beer;
Tea and cigarettes at work,
Cigarettes and beer at the pub afterwards.

Then I suffered a heart attack.
Bye, bye, cigarettes, bye, bye, beer,
Bye, bye oily food also,
But that's another story.

So, what next?
Cats. I had lots of them.
Unfortunately, they all died or went missing,
One by one.
Bye, bye, cats and cat therapy,
No pun intended,
For they were all like children,
Cherished dearly and loved,
Until the end of time,
Or so it seems.

Okay, so what next?
First-shooter computer games:
Modern Warfare, COD, MOH and Battlefield,
Overdosing on them till late at night
Which led to sleep deprivation
And sleeping all day once the roof caved in.
Bye, bye, computer games.

Okay, so what next?
Leave, lots of it,
Unpaid, all of it, of late,
But so what?
The sky's the limit,
For now at least.